Where it all started: An unshakeable Beauty

It all started in November, 13, 2016... 

It was the day where I finally decided to take a month off from my social media. Long before the day, I had wasted most of my times on Instagram; scrolling the feeds, liking photos, checking after people. At first it seemed normal, and I felt that way too - these were just some simple things that every woman would do on daily basis. 

Yet, as I was doing those things, I was drowning myself in comparison games. Unconsciously, I was comparing myself with girls - most of the girls I saw there. I was wondering, how could they be so beautiful? What make up brands do they wear on their face, that I don't have in my make up box? What clothes, dresses, or heels do they wear on their body, that I don't wear on me? What makes me different from them? What is lack on me? Why they seem to have more? And yes, this list just continued... the more I scrolled, the more I had questions in my mind. 

I felt really bad then. I was terribly afraid. I was worried if I am not good enough. I was questioning my own beauty, my own worth. I knew that my worth should be found in Jesus Christ. I knew all the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But those truth just didn't make any sense at all, compared to the girls I looked to. I even started to question these truth. I didn't know what to do and how to fix this thing, so I kept these muddy parts of my heart, hiding them deep down in my heart so everyone couldn't see... And I was drowning deeper... darker than before. 

That day, November 13. God met me there - in the midst of my muddy heart.

"That's it, my daughter. I have to restore your beauty."

As if God were there in front of me, I felt like He was saying this to my heart. That moment, I felt like my whole life is going to change, and every part of it, including my beauty. I didn't know how, yet I was really sure of it.

The first thing I knew I had to do was taking a month off from social media. Running away from that poison, and looking to Jesus instead. He placed a new crown of jewels on my head; the new beauty, and said "Keep your chin up. Look to Me, so it won't fall off."

So that was it.

I took a month off. I did what I love; focusing myself on what makes me happy. I didn't look to my Instagram. I didn't even dare to look at another girls at mall, grocery store, or coffee shop. I started telling myself that I am more than these comparison games. I am more than what I am thinking about myself. I told myself to trust the truth, that "She who looks to God is radiant," (Psalm 34:5). Period. 

I believed something would happen in my month off. I would find out what I truly love and what makes me happy, and I wouldn't find it from Instagram or other girls I've always compared myself to. I would find it from turning myself away from them and looking into my true beauty in God - the real, unshakeable beauty that is found in His likeness. The only kind of beauty that would make me stop questioning myself or asking for more. The only kind of beauty that can't be shaken by the world's kind of beauty. The only beauty that surpasses all other kinds of beauty in this world. 

Up until now, I would not say that I'm over these things already; I honestly say that I still fall sometimes. I still cry. And God never stops redefining my beauty, again and again... so this blog and all the moments I write here are parts of my journey with Him; how He's meeting me everyday, restoring my beauty, redefining my beauty into His likeness. Here's my everyday longing, my everyday prayer: "take all my own definitions of beauty and just change it with Your likeness, God."